$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
