I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
