the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
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which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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