that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
