just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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