If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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