i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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