Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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