Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
