I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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