sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
