No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
