I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
