I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
