Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
