He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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