I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
