pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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