please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
