Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
