When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
