Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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