He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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