Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
