So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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