in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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