I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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