I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"