Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
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Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?