Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
