Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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