shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
