last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And then my night got REAL pukey
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
