is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
