I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
