You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
