Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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