she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
