There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
