my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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