He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
