so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
