she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
