She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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