I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
last night I used snow as a chaser
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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