You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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