what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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