your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
