He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
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You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
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I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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