I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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