this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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