wat bout pragnant strippers??
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
