census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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