i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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