he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
