Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
