The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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