we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
